Last One Picked
“Pick Dean, he’s fast.” a girl shouted out.
“We pick Dean. Your turn” her friend yelled.
“Kevin, we want you!” another voice called.
My mind wandered through flashbacks of schoolyard recess and lunch breaks. I recalled knowing where I ranked in popularity. If I wasn’t last I was sure to be picked second to last.
“Number 21” the voice over the loud system brought me back to reality. “Go sit at the far left on the front bench.”
I nervously stood up, my mind repeating “Left, left, left.” As I sat down in front of forty-five fellow jurors I hear over the PA, “no, the other end.” It never occurred to me that she could being saying HER left.
The judge broke the silence “Bailiff what is her number?”
“Twenty one” she repeated. He wrote something down, no doubt recording my mistake.
While the rest of the potential candidates were seated my mind flipped back and forth between hoping I wouldn’t be chosen and wondering how I would feel if I wasn’t. I wasn’t just number twenty-one–I was Shawna, the awkward skinny girl that wasn’t wanted. All of a sudden the room felt hot and I had to remove a layer.
In the days following I have reflected on my emotions. Of course I was valued, although I wasn’t selected I had played an important role in supporting a fair trial and ultimately upholding freedom. As for my childhood memories they contrasted greatly to what I had experienced later in life.
Although it took years of God’s healing He has shown me that it doesn’t matter what others think of me. In fact what surprised me most was as soon as I quit worrying what others thought, it was then that God was able to use me. Why? Perhaps because I no longer looked to others as my source of value but instead reveled in the knowledge I was of value to Him. I was a unique member of His family, one of a kind, born to do a job specifically tailored for me. What others thought of me no longer mattered. What if He had given me the job before He had mended my heart? It may not have been a gift but a stumbling block, one that may have taken me out with pride. Looking back I’m thankful for the “schoolyard” life experiences that have taught me where not to find my self worth.
I’m human, and occasionally I’m thrown into situations where I’m tempted to slip back into my insecure self. When it happens I call out to my heavenly Father who reminds me I’m of value to Him, enough value that He gave up His only son for me! Now, that is value!
“No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:39 NLT
If you enjoyed my blog I think you would also benefit from reading “Find Your Self Esteem in Someone Else” By Jon Bloom
That was a really interesting story Shawna. I know your mother in-law was telling me how you had blossomed and doing so well, and I couldn’t think what she could be referring to by blossoming. Anyway, now I have a little understanding. You are not only an artist, but you write very, very well.You should write your story and or maybe a devotional book.
I was thinking the other day of two things you might do. One, a Mother’s book. One could write things down about Mother/Father like you did for son/daughter. No. 2 Book marks. I was in the book store the other day and saw some book marks. I thought I need to tell Shawna about this. I will keep you busy my dear, if you ever run out of anything to do.
I retired from the organ, not that I was that much of an addition. I will be happy to help you out on the piano when you might need help. Getting old is for the birds. Give me a call sometime and we will go out have lunch, to whatever you can eat. We will find something. Love ya,Sandy
Thanks Shawna, I know that awkward feeling too, but now I too know the truth, we are one of a kind. ??
I have a feeling we weren’t alone I bet many of those we thought “fit in” felt like they didn’t. I’m so thankful that “God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Romans 5:8 NLT He doesn’t love me for what I do but for who I am, His child.
We appreciate your honesty and transparency in your writing! That happens to shine forth from your paintings as well. It so beautiful to read how God is growing each of us in Him! ❤
I also know that feeling! Always pointed for something at school: Being fat, being “too tall” (in my childhood), being “too intelligent”, not being beautiful… the list could go on! But it was through those comments and my reactions to them, that my Heavenly Father guided me to know Him better. “I’m a child of the King” is one of my favorite hymns. And the Lord keeps working on me, and in each one of us!
Thanks for sharing part of your story, and encouraging us!